YO MAMA: 10 things new parents do that should be Olympic sports

OPINION

We have our very own version of the Olympic games going on in our house these days.

The New Parent Olympics, that is. 

Each day begins with the Opening Ceremonies: a groggy procession from the bedroom to the baby’s room, illuminated by the glow of the sacral night light. It’s 5 a.m.

If you have a new baby on your hands, you know that each day can feel like an Olympic event. The highs, the lows, the drama, the tears of triumph and defeat. When your kid pulls a tantrum in public, it feels like the whole world is watching your performance. Nevermind that hauling a babe around all day is like incremental weight training; they get bigger, so do your biceps.

Do moms and dads deserve a medal for what we do? Absofrickinlutely. Would we settle for an uninterrupted night’s sleep? Probably.

Here are ten things new parents do on the regular that should be considered Olympic events.

1. Pajama Wrestling

The goal of this game is to get all four of your child’s limbs into their respective flannel tubes without breaking any fingers, all while they are attempting to log roll away. The outcome of this game can pivot in an instant; just when you think you have the upper hand — say three limbs secured in their slots — a leg will come tearing out to kick you in the face and suddenly it’s anyone’s game to win. A cliff hanger until the bitter end, you haven’t closed this particular game until you manage to navigate the zipper shut.

*There is a separate event for the really hard core moms and dads who are using pajamas with snaps.

2. Teeth Brushing

The hockey of Parenting Olympics. Your stick is the brush and the puck is the toothpaste. Your target is the kid’s back molar. But he wants to do it all by himself. And he wants to eat the brush. This event runs twice a day, every day, and you won’t know who’s won until you visit the dentist. The penalty for losing? A hefty dental bill.

3. Diaper Gymnastics

This one’s all about speed and technique. I know a dad who times himself on diaper changes, trying to improve his personal best each time. (You gotta have something to live for amid the drudgery of daily butt wipings). Whether your kid is holding his feet like a human pretzel, attempting to roll off the change pad, or preparing to release a stream of diarrhea, you never know what to expect. You simply go as fast as you can and try not to think about how much money you are spending on diapers.

4. One-handed Chores

Ever cooked dinner, folded the laundry, or laced up your sneakers one-handed? Behold the magical superpower of parenthood: getting stuff done with a baby on your hip — or in a baby carrier. Trust me, it’s a far more impressive acrobatic stunt than the boring old balance beam.

5. Stroller Rodeo

Sometimes it cooperates; sometimes it doesn’t. The stroller is a beast with a mind of its own. Kicking, yelling and vulgar insults are common practice in this game.

6. Leaving the House

A perfect score is earned by: getting out the door on time, not forgetting anything, and adequately dressing your little one so he doesn’t a) sweat to death or b) die of hypothermia. This requires a close understanding of temperature, humidity, windchill and your kid’s ability to squirm out of layers. Bonus points for carrying out everything you need — car seat, snacks, change of clothes (for you and baby), teddy bear, sunhat/ toque, burp cloths and various blankets in differing sizes and degrees of warmth—  in one trip (HA HA!)

7. The race to finish your coffee before it gets cold

If it feels like you’re running in circles past a rapidly cooling cup of coffee, you aren’t alone. Finishing your morning coffee before it tastes like old socks is THE 100 meter dash of Parenting Olympics.

8. Mealtime Triathlon

First, you prepare an array of healthy, non-processed, low sodium, organically grown, iron-rich, protein-dense, and high fiber baby food. Then it’s like a fast-paced game of tennis as the food you have so carefully prepared is hurled across the table. Clean-up is the last stage of the Mealtime Triathlon, and known as the most rigorous and exhausting stretch. By now, your team uniform is probably covered in bits of mashed avocado and blueberry pulp. It’s time to head right into your next event: the Laundry Relay.

9. Laundry Relay

People tell you that having a baby means a lot of laundry. What you don’t realize until you are buried under a mountain of burp cloths, bibs, bedsheets, and clothing is that doing laundry is now a full time job. Like “The Song That Never Ends”, you will despise it. But you will persist. Because reaching bedtime and realizing you have no clean sleepers for the kid is a desolate place from which few recover.

* There’s a separate event for parents using cloth diapers.

10. Limb-dodging

Infants are basically tiny boxers armed with weapons (ok, toys, but rattles really hurt!) Sometimes, you’d swear they are on steroids. Whether you’re intercepting a kick in the head while co-sleeping or dodging a punch to the face while your baby flaps his arms in excitement, you may be wondering why such a barbaric game still exists in Parenting Olympics. I dunno — maybe we should petition the stern folks at the Infant Athletic Committee.

BONUS SPORT: CHILDBIRTH. Amiright, mamas?

What New Parent Olympics event would you medal in? Add your favourite sports to the comments below.

— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.