THOMPSON: My observations on parenting today (it may seem harsh)

OPINION

Loving your children doesn’t necessarily mean that day to day you’re always doing things well, right. What you’re about to read might seem like a harsh indictment of some parenting today, and I guess it is. But some child-rearing is just wrong, even when it feels right.

Besides, trying to live your children’s lives - no matter your good intentions - is not only impractical, it robs them of the chance to develop the skills they’ll need for the rest of their lives.

Helicopter parents are a thing today…and from what I can see…not as healthy a thing as you might believe. There wasn’t much of it - and certainly it wasn’t a trend - when I was growing up in the 1950s and early 1960s.

My parents loved me…but they did not hover…analyzing my every experience and controlling my every endeavour. It’s often called over-parenting or hyper-responsive parenting. Whatever it’s called…it amounts to trying to live someone else’s life.

My parents did not insert themselves into my life on every matter that concerned me. They made sure I went to school and did my homework…taught me good manners and how to get along with others…and supervised me enough that I never burned down the house or school. They were involved parents…just not like movie directors controlling every scene…the lines, the pacing, the story and the actors.

When I played sports they were not always on hand to micromanage every play. I could actually go an entire game sometimes without hearing a supportive cheer…not a single “awesome” from my parents. I didn’t care…I was wrapped up in the game…and preferred the support of my teammates anyway.

In fact, my mother never saw a single baseball game I ever played…not one…and there were hundreds. But, I never for a moment doubted her love…baseball was my passion…not hers. There was no social media back then either…so I didn’t worry about how many “likes” or “congratulations” I might have garnered from parents, friends of my parents, grandparents or hundreds of other “followers”.

All too often everyday experiences today - birthdays, Halloween…even sleepovers - are highly orchestrated events…with price tags that make you question the sanity of some parents. A birthday party when I was growing up meant a cake - usually homemade - with candles, Cokes or Kool-Aid, a dozen kids, a few games…like hide and seek…for total cost of around $12.00.

Today, there are not just cakes, but make-your-own ice cream sundae bars, clowns, ponies, piñatas, costumes and themed parties…kids attend…and so do their parents. The cost can run into hundreds…even thousands of dollars.

My brother and I would go trick-or-treating on Halloween with bags that we would fill with candy and treats. My parents never took the candy from us…they just offered the cautionary warning, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get sick.”

By the way, just to pass along some science - fact rather than opinion - kids don’t suffer from sugar highs…sugar does not influence a child’s behaviour or cognitive function, or make a child hyperactive. It is the activity and the unbridled buildup…not what’s ingested…that causes the problems.

Anyway, I overdid Halloween…once…and guess what, I learned a life lesson. Today, many parents have adopted - thanks to the reach and immediacy of social media - the Halloween “Switch Witch”, a sort of candy fairy for kids.

Kids trick or treat…keep a few pieces of candy…then trade the rest with the Switch Witch for gifts…toys, electronics…whatever. The Switch Witch? The Switch Witches are parents, of course…get out your Visa cards mom and dad.

Hey, it teaches kids…well, not so much. It’s a stretch to say it teaches them respect for a reasonably healthy diet…but even then…not of their own doing. Any decision or reasoning or control they might learn is imposed by parents…who then reward them with loot. I can only guess that mom and dad are then munching on mini-Tootsie Rolls until sometime in Winter.

My parents knew how to say, “no”…and while that’s a bad thing when you’re six…it’s the right thing most times because children can make some awful decisions. Parents, after all, are parents…not your best friends.

When parents shape and manipulate their children’s environments to maximize success…the result is most often quite the opposite. We can all likely bear witness to parent-led rituals that rob children of discovering and experiencing things on their own.

Despite good intentions…here’s what science - formal research studies - show. Children of helicopter parents generally have lower self-esteem…and it lasts. University students who said their parents were too “hands-on” had less confidence, lower academic performance and poorer adjustment to college life and independent living.

As adults, over-parented children tend to not cope with life as well and aren’t good at day-to-day problem-solving. Parents who are so risk-averse - anticipating danger behind every rock - raise children who are much more likely to develop depression and anxiety. A degree or two of autonomy is a good thing…certainly a better thing than hovering over everything your child might experience.

Sixty years ago, I walked and biked to school - no adult involved - and had a newspaper route. I had a reasonable amount of homework…and wasn’t concerned at age 12 what university I might attend. And sports…I was active, but nothing like today’s kids.

When did kids’ sports stopped being for kids? Today, try as you might there are few low-cost options for most sports. Some parents spend on sports like a drunken sailor or shore leave and kids from low-income families have less access to team sports.

Sometimes, I wonder whether sports programs are about making some adults money and fuelling what the Brookings Institute called the “rug rat race”…middle-class competition to get kids into universities and secure their futures.

Sadly, many parents have bought into ideas like you can’t say “No” to a child, or that everyone gets a trophy, just for showing up.

When kids are offered some new food for dinner and it’s prefaced by, “If you don’t Ike it…you don’t have to eat it”…what do you think the kids will answer? I remember my mom saying, “If you don’t like it for dinner…you really won’t like it for breakfast?” Harsh…heavens no…it’s parenting…raising a child that can cope.

Hey, parenting isn’t easy…never has been. But knowing when to step back and let a kid be a kid…discovering things on their own…is a good lesson for all.

— Don Thompson, an American awaiting Canadian citizenship, lives in Vernon and in Florida. In a career that spans more than 40 years, Don has been a working journalist, a speechwriter and the CEO of an advertising and public relations firm. A passionate and compassionate man, he loves the written word as much as fine dinners with great wines.

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